An Open Letter To New Cat Owners

Dear New Cat Owner,

Congratulations, you've joined the likes of Abraham Lincoln, Robert E. Lee and Ernest "So-Manly-It-Borders-On-Homoerotic" Hemingway to name but a few in the joys of cat ownership. Reach around and give yourself a pat on the back. Unfortunately, were it not for other, less sensible cat owners, I would not have to write this.

No, but your sex life might be...

Starting off, you must be mindful of the fact that your cat is, like others of the felis genus, a dedicated carnivore. That's right, while the kitty may look like a pointy eared ball of curiosity or disdain (depending on age) that animal is a predator through and through. So where does that put you? Are you a potential food item? Not really, or at least not while you still breathe and have the legs to carry you, you're not. Are you the "alpha-cat"? No, that would require a level of dedication and loyalty that this particular specie of feline does not possess. No, kind owner, you're a bloody cat!

Only not as attractive...

That's right, a big, stupid cat that brings in food from out-of-doors and plays with their already dead morsel of dead animal that your cat didn't watch you catch. Be wary of this, as it will encourage your cat to bring you dead animals as a gesture of goodwill and also as a bloody, festering and nasty training implement. That is, it's trying to teach you to hunt. Cats, as a rule, should want to help one another if possible as they are used to roaming around cities and countrysides in colonies of varying sizes and strengths, not unlike trash bags, in a sort of collective effort. Independent as they may seem, they have a sense of community among other cats when forced to unite; nothing forces cats to unite like an oppressive habitat. So, don't be surprised if the cat feels the need to curl up next to you in the oppressive habitat you call home.

The curling-up tendency that I speak of (or as I like to call it, "kitty-witty-cuddly-wuddles time") is another communal act. Don't be surprised at the kneading paws as the cat drifts off into a deep nod that reminds it of its mother. This doesn't mean it thinks you're its mother, you're still that big dumb cat in its colony. No, the cat is merely working out its "mommy issues" as it was presumably taken from its mother early on, and is subconsciously trying to stimulate milk out of whatever part of your body it's sitting on just like it did back in your cat's "salad days."

I can't wait to move out of here! YOU'RE SMOTHERING ME!

Now as you find yourself enjoying this, you'll be encouraged to force the cat upon your lap. The cat will try to make a break for it, to flee from your non-consensual petting time (pet-rape.) This does not mean the cat doesn't like you, it means the cat is afraid. Remember when I stated that in the cat's eyes you're a big dumb cat? Well, cats aren't known for being trusting of their fellow felines. Cats in the bush will eat the young of another, steal another cat's food, mob on one cat and beat it up because it wandered into the wrong turf wearing the wrong colors. Given the no-shit, cat-eat-cat, nature of the environment they have evolved in it pays to be the bigger cat. You, are the biggest, dumbest and clumsiest cat that cat has ever seen, and given your feline ineptitude it subconsciously assumes you're up to no good because you absolutely suck at being a cat. You got it! The cat thinks you're going to fuck its shit up! So be not offended or ashamed, it's just how the cat is genetically predisposed to thinking. The thinking that at any given moment, any cat out there that thinks it's rude is going to want to have a go.

But if I impart no other great knowledge, remember this: Never die alone in the same house as a bunch of cats. Remember what I mentioned about cannibalism among cats? Well you're dead, no one else knows your dead, you're old, live in a shabby apartment on the wrong side of town and as a result no one will come looking for you until they smell your death from the other side of the door. The cat in all of this knows there is no other source of food available except for the freshly dead, no-longer-walking-and-talking meat sack wrapped in a shawl on the sofa, so it does the only thing it can do. Cats have left half-eaten corpses for landlords and superintendents to find for decades, don't add yourself to that half-eaten, closed casket group. Get yourself a stable retirement plan, invest, and ultimately find a reason for people to miss you. Otherwise, you're cat food for a desperate feline.

May your cat owning experience be a wondrous adventure, and don't get eaten.

Sincerely,
Rey Ignatius Fawkes

Rey and The Meaning of Life

I don't want to sound brash, to sound condescending or for my words to be without celebration. To wither away anything that could be taken away from what I'm about to explain through hubris and heavy-handedness. My racket is not the racket of those who believe the possess powers greater than other men; secular and spiritual alike. No, I wish merely to make a modest proposal.

I must thank you in advance if you've taken the time to click the link leading you to this posting, it's not every day that one comes across a claim such as mine without dismissing it with the skepticism that our world drives us to employ. Be wary, there are many who speak of this subject not in earnest, but in unfounded assertion. Perhaps I am no better, perhaps I am like those I have grown to scorn?

To say one has discovered the meaning of life, especially a man so far removed from the realm of transcendentalism and spirituality as I, would be met with revulsion. With apathy and just a not-so-subtle touch of bitterness at word's end. But one must ask themselves the meaning of "meaning."

The truth is, nothing has meaning unless we give it meaning. A rainbow is merely the refraction of sunlight through water vapor. However, in Italy the rainbow has become a symbol of peace. Christians cite from the pages of Genesis, that the rainbow is God's promise that He shall never again flood the earth, and is in turn a sign of trust from this of many other "creators." Perhaps this could be lacking in literalism or context, but the image is the same sharp contrast of colors coming together; the symbolism in the image is the same.

So it should go, that in the understanding that words, places, things, people have only the meaning we give to them. So now I must ask, vice assert, the question "Is life impervious to the meaning we give it?" Must life have a solid, concrete and objective meaning when we arbitrarily assign meaning to all that we encounter within it? To some, it may not seem so arbitrary, but in the scope of things how is it not?

Now I ask, given that the meaning of life is the meaning we give to it and all things within it, why not choose the meaning to be a positive one? That life can be a most wonderous and eventful thing? That it means to cherish all within the time that we have it? Why not that?

I suppose, in summary, I'm merely asking that instead of finding the meaning, we give the meaning?

War is Inevitable? Says Who?

Having a fondness for political lectures, I've noticed another troubling pattern in the rhetoric of Right-leaning speakers to the tune of "war is inevitable." In most cases, I would brush this aside as another scare tactic employed to shake up the base in their faction. Unfortunately, it has become endemic and the rhetoric is slowly crossing party lines. The question is, how can we as a species abide this?

There are lots of things that are inevitable: The collapse of a star, the expiration of our lives and hell, the expiration of milk. Birds fly, fish swim, and we try to kill as many of each other as one can in their lifetime? Really? The impermanent nature of being is one we become acquainted with early in our childhood, though at such an age we are unable to articulate our opinions on the subject concisely. We understand that there are things we simply have no control over unless technological, economic and social advances manage to overcome them. But in terms of war, an event reliant on the perogative of the aggressor to take effect, it is hard for me to see the parallel.

When a person says "war is inevitable," it sends a clear message that it is no one's fault. The language, even in legalese, implies that no one is culpable. From the voter who cast their ballot for the warhawk head of state to the head of state himself, anyone involved can be held responsible, could they not? The question of whether or not we are going to admit where we as a people come to take ownership in this.

National defense spending in the United States, regardless of figures and times after the Second World War, remains the highest of any one nation on this planet. This tremendous and ever-increasing sum seems to be spurred on by the perceived inevitablity of war, but why is no one stopping to take a look at the root of the problem? John F. Kennedy may have said "It is an unfortunate fact that we can secure peace only by preparing for war" but is he not the same man who said "Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings"?

Humbly though I submit my opinion, I would dare to say that war is a man-made problem, a dreadful invention that at this point in our history as a species, can destroy the world at the turn of a key and recitation of code. Keys, codes, buttons: All of these things are made by us, for us or more accurately, in spite of us. I challenge anyone to deny this; I challenge you! Could not the world be a better place were we to deny ourselves the indulgence of this dark fantasy? Can our curiosity for how much destruction we ourselves can wreak on our own planet not be sated?

But what of this dread-fascination? This death-preoccupation? I have seen it in religion too, as I can't shake the feeling that though many on the religious front may be expecting an apocalypse. Unfortunately, since I don't believe in such things, this appears to me as a self-fulfilling one if the wrong person gets their hands on the right means. Even in some polytheistic religions from antiquity, there are deities exhalted as patrons of war. Ares, Tyr and Mars to name but a mere fraction of the tie-ins between religion and war.

No, I say no to all of it. No to the foolishness of waiting for war. What is there to wait for? If the desire to see bloodshed is in the heart of men with the means to do so, it will be done. What we as a species must do is surpass this. War is not "inevitable," it is the perogative of a mere consequential few.

An Open Letter To Theists

Dear Believers,

Ah, and so I come to you again. I wanted to see how things were going. I'm pretty sure you're cross with me, and while not necessarily a good reason, it is a reason that I don't agree with you. How are you? How's the family? I'm sure they're doing quite well, whatever the standard opinion of "well" may be. In any case I'd like to say the following:

There's a limit to your faith.

Yes, call it a wager, an impolite remark reserved for someone trying to get in your head (as if your ilk didn't try to get into mine in my formative years.) But there is some observable truth to my claim, a truth that you yourself confirm quite easily. Were I forced to, there would be untold scores of books I could write on the subject. But since you seldom bother to read the one book you swear by in its entirety, it would be a waste of energy to write more than one on the subject. As I've written this so far, I cannot help but find myself contemplating the events in Genesis 22:5-8. The "Binding of Isaac" was one of many Bible-approved examples of displaying one's faith in God, but then I find myself muttering the old adage "Talk to God; call it prayer. Talked to by God; call a psychiatrist." But it goes much deeper than that, oh yes. It goes right down to you, Theist. It goes right down to your humanity and what you'd do to prove your faith.

Remember that lovely family of yours? The one I asked about? Yes, that one. Would you be willing to tie any one of them to patio furniture, any one at all? Would you, could you, be willing to carve them to bits in His mercy? Let us dispense with paltry excuses highlighting how merciful God is when the Bible is a litany of how unmerciful one with great power can be. Let us instead stay focused on you. Because I'm not writing to you about any one god, I'm writing about you, to you.

Not one to bandy about metaphysical concepts, but I can almost sense your hesitance. If you were to answer "no" you'd find yourself locked in a paradoxical crisis of faith. Trapped in a room where the purrs and gentle reassurances of your oh-so-laughable cognitive dissonance cannot save you. But, were you to say "yes" then not only would you be looked upon as insane, but your family would start looking at you funny, and I'm pretty sure the spouse would be filing for divorce.

But as I mentioned before, there are several examples that would push your faith to its breaking point; the aforementioned is merely the one that sticks out the most in my mind. But now, it sticks out in your mind as well. So look on the bright side, for the first time in a long time, we are like-minded individuals. In any case, send the family my love, and don't go stabbing anyone.

Sincerely,
Rey Ignatius Fawkes