I've had a small, thin but by no means weak athletic frame. So when the idea was thrown at me to start putting on muscle as another hobby and a way to change up my workout, I jumped on it. Through all of my research, training and of course, eating, I've come to a realization: Ramping up your calories leads to GASTROINTESTINAL HIJINKS! As I write this, I'm sitting in a cloud of discomfort and methane gas. By that, I mean I've been busting ass, and I don't mean trying to be funny on command...
I mean I'm farting non-goddamn-stop...
I'm somewhere between Mount Pinatubo and a paper mill, due to the increased amount of calories, specifically the protein. I hate to refer to my own bodily functions because, well, it's fucking nasty. Seriously! You'll be chatting with someone, an innocent bystander, but meanwhile you're clenching you buttcheeks tighter than buttcheeks have ever been, or were ever meant to be, clenched. Then the person is looking at the pained look on your face and Jeebus only knows how stupid you look. In fact, I know I looked about as stupid as the person who put a "hash-tag" on a facebook status the last time this happened to me. (Side Note: Who seriously does that? Putting a "hash-tag" on a Facebook status? That's what Twitter is for, and Twitter is stupid.) I can honestly say that at the time of this writing I've been making toilet so much you could call me "American Standard" and the name would stick.
As I had mentioned before, the increased protein, specifically the breakdown of said protein, produces a great deal of gas. The most effective remedy however, is staying hydrated. During these trying times, the only friend you have is water, and it's not just for hydration anymore. This will keep the aforementioned tummy hijinks at bay, as well as a natural filtration process. Unfortunately, it's the only thing holding your body in balance as you ramp up you caloric intake. I have personally noticed that I am increasingly thirsty and feel warm, due to (once again) the increased amount of protein in my diet, creating a thermic effect on the body. You're not going to burn from the inside out like a staked vampire, but you will feel the need to go without a sweater in early fall.
Ideally, you should be consuming a gallon of water a day which may sound like a lot but technically you get a great deal of water from the food you eat. Unfortunately, since you're a dummy who can't sit on the couch and watch TV instead of going to the gym to beef up, you're going to have to ACTUALLY consume this gallon of water when all the math has been calculated. Now before you start trying to down a jug in one go, let me just remind you to pace yourself on this one. Otherwise you'll endure the worst kind of bloat you can handle.
In any case, I'll keep you informed of how this business is wrapping up. But now if you'll excuse me, I have to use the water closet.
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