Bitch Please: "Fasting for Yahweh"

For my first Monday "Bitch Please" I'd like to draw your attention to the drawn appearance of YouTube user Aaron Cohen who tried fasting for 120 days. You'll notice in the "comments" section she only drank water, had a multi-vitamin and ate only "kosher" food. Now where I come from they call that a diet but hey, different strokes, right?

Right?

The video only has six milestone vlogs to chronicle her (self-inflicted) ordeal. Here is my commentary for each one:

Day 1:

Alright, homegirl needs to fast. I mean she's got a fucking double-chin! Not that much mention of God's "influence" on her decision though. Will watch more of this circus later, this chick is making me hungry.

Day 54:

She's starting to look bombed out and drained. Not a very good look though, rather boring and I'm starting to wonder if she's doing this for shock value.

Day 59:

Damn! "Closer to God" as in at St. Peter's gate, right? This is starting to get gross, her cheekbones look like they're going to punch through her face at any second! Right on time for Halloween though, as she looks like the first wave of the Zombie Apocalypse. Hey baby, if you want a job in show business I hear they're hiring extras for the Walking Dead TV program.

Day 104:

Alright, knock it off! Bitch looks like Abe Vigoda w/ lip stick. Nobody told me there were going to be celebrity cameos. This makes me wonder if George Romero produced this before he passed. Seriously though, the more she mentions God, the more I know she doesn't realize God has nothing to do with this. But then she says God is "turning [her] into the person [she] wanted to be." Which basically tells me she wants to look like a concentration camp victim. But please spare me the rattle about God touching you in a "miraculous way" when you need to be touched by Burger King.

Summary:

There are so many places I can go with this, from the fact that she's possibly screwing up her children above and beyond the levels a child can be screwed up during their growth to the fact that I don't know why a benevolent "god" would want their follower to hurt themselves. There's no punchline to this joke, folks. It's just another sad example of how someone's faith, and their actions, betray each other. I don't want the girl to starve, but I do think that the next person who views this as a way to get better in touch with their god needs to apply some critical thinking to the mess.

Happy Halloween, and for fuck's sake "question everything."

...While you're at it, grab a "sammich," you look a bit peckish.

So You're Stuck in A Disaster Area?

With Hurricane Season around the corner, flash floods in the Southeastern U.S. and the Japan Megaquake, it's clear that we all have to prepare and stay prepared for a disaster. Water, food, a change of clothes and a change of underwear when aftershocks strike are only some of the things you'll need in the event of an emergency.

Unfortunately for most of us, especially our readers from the U.S., complacency is rather commonplace and foresight to some is "fo' suckas." But rejoice, you slacking-assed slobs, Rey has the key to your salvation! Here are four protips for staying alive, the Fawkes way.

1. ARM YOURSELF!

You've just left the shelter of wherever it is you cowered like a girl while everything you loved was swept away by the fury of an uncaring Mother Nature; congratulations! You're one of the few either too unmotivated (or cash strapped) to evacuate and your very survival is an affront to natural selection; you da' man! Unfortunately, looking out over the dilapidated horizon, a shadow of its former glory, what should you happen to find but minorities! Or worse, WASP's with a sense of self-entitlement and your ass is starting to look like opportunity!

One must remember that in the event of an emergency, your fellow man will revert to his base instincts and attempt to dominate you, sometimes sexually, in order to maintain his status quo and quality of life, however fragmented it is. To survive in this wasteland until the authorities show up, you'll have to key into your instincts as well. That means being well armed. Because the only way man managed to surmount the odds and control his environment was through brute strength, cunning and violence.

Some with you will advise you to help those in need, those distressed, hurt or hungry. Do NOT listen to them, for they are testing your resolve. If you help someone, your survival party's members will take your kindness for weakness and elect a new leader. Then, you will find yourself deposed by blunt-force proxy to the skull. Still, you must ensure that you are well-armed and ready to do battle with any survivors who wish to take what few stores you have until FEMA shows up.

...whenever that is...

Ensure you have a main weapon in the form of a hunting rifle, assault rifle or for those of you in an urban area, a shotgun in addition an accurate sidearm. The Beretta M9, is a heavy piece of shit, but it gets the job done and can be held by any idiot with opposeable thumbs (special care must be given to keep this out of the hands of chimpanzees as they are particularly trigger-happy.) If you should happen upon others with superior weaponry, avoid them or steal their weaponry; which leads us to the second part.

2. START LOOTING!

Your food stores won't last forever, and sooner or later your comrades will start to look like lunch (especially the fat one.) DO NOT EAT PEOPLE! Eating people will make you worse for wear and destroy your nervous system. You're not quite ready for hunting either, and you're going to suck at catching food. But even though it is only a shallow husk, it's still (mostly) civilization. Scavenging will become as American as apple pie and a favored pastime when disaster rears its ugly, gnarled head.

...as if it weren't American enough as it is...

Empty houses and old abandoned supermarkets will be the first choice for you and your fellow leaders. If you can find one, garrison that bitch up before anyone else gets to it. The first few days of finding and dominating supermarkets and food stores will be like playing capture the flag in hell and tantamount to guerrilla warfare. Do not hesitate to cap some fools in order to maintain your survival. Your reward: sweet sustenance and the hard-earned right to see another day. Small unit tactics will be key in this dark period in your hitherto insignificant life.

Speaking of insignificance...

3. PREY UPON THE WEAK!

Human evolution has been hindered by the fact that no matter how stupid, ugly, fat, out-of-shape and generally weak you are, some tool bag will stroll in and save you from your pathetic self. You will live again to tell the tale and your voice will rise in joy, a voice that so offends the ears of Darwin. Unfortunately, if yohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifu can be lumped into the above category, you may as well stop reading and await the arrival of violent death from a stronger and therefore, better, force. But if you've got the killer instinct and the will to survive there may yet be hope.

In any ecosystem, the strong prey upon the weak. Even in our civilized society, there is always one more powerful who will consume the lesser beings without an afterthought. You may not be the biggest or most powerful, but as long as you avoid the stronger, you can prey upon the weak too! The best time to do this is at night, or in areas that don't provide a lot of cover, especially when its you and your survivor party against one or two. Stealing from the strong also helps if you're the weakest in your neighborhood. In which case, once again, it is best to operate at night. But if you're smart, you'll have some place to store your loot, so make sure you...

4. FIND SHELTER!

The elements are harsh and cruel. You witnessed their cruelty after (insert disaster here) wrecked your super-sweet, double-wide trailer. However, given this fact there's always the local Red Cross Shelter, right?

WRONG! You are so wrong! I want you to take a moment to slap yourself for entertaining such a foolish thought; I'll wait for you...

Now then, those shelters are merely watering holes for the antelope of society, waiting to be run down and savagely mauled by the urban lions that await nearby. When the feces hits the A/C, you'll wish you listened. The best shelters are abandoned homes. Homes that were abandoned in the suburbs typically, as they are large and easy to remain concealed within.

Another option is farm houses, but again no, because haven't you ever seen Deliverance? Your best bet is to take a cue from my favorite children's novel "The Girl Who Owned A City" and convert your old high school into a super-fortress, where you will rule! No more getting towel whipped in gym class for you; you're the Prom King now, dawg!

SUMMARY:

Congratulations! If you've followed this guide to the letter, you're now the most powerful person in your bombed out and depleted husk of a town. When emergency services finally arrive, they will bow to your might and resourcefulness. Do not be surprised if they beg you to return to civilization to share your wisdom and noble savage leadership; most likely at a new-age fitness center.


-FAWKES OUT-

Dear Nutrition-Fascist,

Hello, it's Rey, the guy you said shouldn't be in such good shape given the fact that he smokes, drinks and puts gravy on everything? The fella who can (and will) smoke your ass in sprints or any other physical challenge you throw at me?

Yeah it's me, and I've got a proposal for you...

Normally, I'd tell you to eat a dick, but this time I've got something special cooked up. Cooked up especially for you; it is bacon. Yes, cut-from-the-hog, thick-cut, applewood-smoked bacon. An entire plate of bacon, from me to you, bitch. I wish to force-feed you bacon through a funnel. Like bacon water torture (bacon-boarding?)

Lets be honest, I didn't like meeting your ass that morning while I was on that business trip. I enjoy business trips, and you tried to wreck it for me. This affront to my business-trip happiness will not go unanswered. Especially considering you are, to put it lightly, overweight. Pardon me if I may seem rather untoward and vociferous, but I am confident in the fact that you'll understand my next question, since I know I'm not too "ghetto":

How in the fuck a fat bitch like you thinks she can roll her jello-ass in and tell me how to eat? I should have cut some bacon off your back for that! Seriously, what makes you think you're even fit (no pun intended, well, maybe a little) to do so? Were you the butt of a joke? Did you lose a bet? Did you not think someone besides myself would react this way? That's like a Victoria Secret model lying face-down,ass-up with no pants on at Tiger Woods' house and expecting NOT to get fucked!

...'cause she's getting fucked, no way around that...

Before you carelessly use the excuse that you're "recovering from food addiction" as I was recently informed, let me just say that I have seen the face of addiction. I've known alcoholics who would boil down aftershave to get at the sweet alcohol that lay within, and heroin addicts who shot up in some of the most incomprehensible body parts (here's a hint: their fucking cock!). When you don't care about the quality of what you're getting so long as you get it, then you're "qualified" to call yourself an addict. I don't see you fishing around a dumpster to get at a Big Mac, so please spare me that load of bull.

I hope this letter speaks to the part of you that know's to hold itself accountable, or drives you to the brink of sanity; either/or.

Sincerely,
Rey Ignatius Fawkes

A Few Ground Rules (or How I Learned to Pace Myself)

Being a writer is hard, with all of that sitting on your ass all day and typing. But being a humorist writer is harder still, sitting on your ass but being held to the most difficult expectation of your readership: Making something funny.

Given my inability to play with others and my willingness to "cut a bitch" over creative differences, it's very difficult to consult my peers, peers born with the good sense to abandon a fool's errand like writing funny shit on the interwebs. A wise man once said that you can't force creativity and though it may seem to be the most popular excuse for not delivering material on time (sometimes it is), the individual was right.

So, lets set a few ground rules:

1. Updates will be on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Nothing on holidays, because if it's good enough for the government then it's good enough for me. Unless we're talking about randomly attacking brown people or buying a rich person dinner, because that's flat out.

2. I do not have a bonus material feature. You want bonus material? Buy a DVD... or Blu-Ray? Is that the new hot pussy now? Blu-Ray?

(UPDATE) Yes, the new hotness is indeed Blu-Ray, I'm glad we got that out of the way.

3. I'm willing to work with other writers and artists, just be sure to shoot me an email beforehand. I don't wan't you shooting me some nasty-gram missive talking about how you need a funny article for your site at the last second (Shit has happened to me in the past, not cool.) Long story short: Your inability to prioritize is a special kind of problem... "Your problem."

4. If you're easily offended, I make no apologies. In fact I'm going to take it a step farther and purposely make fun of you. I will embarass you publicly, and I will make you cry. Cry like an eight-year-old bitch, and then I'll bang your girlfriend.

So now that you're familiarized and we have a steady policy going, enjoy the rest of the page and the articles therein.

Breaking Down The 9-9-9 Plan (or Breaking what's Broken)

Herman Cain, contender for the Republican nomination for president, (and frequent victim of my verbal beatings as of late, not that I care) has been touting the boldness of his "9-9-9" tax plan. Frequently, Cain has stated that our economy is "on life support" and more or less pushing an "any port in the storm" outlook. This, as if to say everyone else in the GOP sucks, while he merely sucks the least and trying to garner a sense of desperation from the Republican base as if they were drunk college kids and he was the fat chick at the end of the bar; the final solution.

Desperation is a stinky cologne.

Backpedaling from recent news coverage of his "pro-choice" (or was it pro-life?) statements on abortion with less skill than a JV quarterback, Cain has also made a feeble attempt to "tweak" the finer points of the original 9-9-9 plan in mid-step. The plan to revise the U.S. tax code to allow a nine percent tax on sales, income and business turned out to be mathematically unfavorable to families making less than $50,000 a year. By "mathematically unfavorable" I mean to say you won't break even unless you're reading this from a yacht and drinking cognac in your nautical themed silk ascot. But for those of us whose idea of dinner consists of store brand kielbasa, a side of grits and a puddin' cup for dessert, it really isn't fair. You know, when lunch is a cup of noodles with a hot dog sitting in the noodles to get warm so you can keep the energy bill down? Yeah, that kind of shit.

Don't get me started on eating cereal with a fork to save the milk or the joys of fried bologna.

High-falootin, pizza mongering fuck status aside, I've mentioned how this doesn't qualify Cain to change any aspect of an already flawed tax code before. I won't beat the dead horse of irony over the average price of a large, one topping pizza coming in at around $9.99. But a recent article in the Washington Post had this to say illustrating the tweaking of his plan:

"Under Cain’s plan, the federal government would designate for exemption from the 9-9-9 plan special areas with high unemployment and poverty. In these areas, businesses could deduct their entire payroll from their income subject that would normally be subject to the business tax. People who live or work in these zones would also get tax benefits, although Cain did not detail them."

Yep, somebody's definitely "tweaking" here. Isn't this the same man who has taken such a hard line on the impoverished? Cain is basically giving big business a break once again and perpetuating the vicious cycle of "if you ain't got no money, take ya' broke ass home" which is really difficult to do when said home has been foreclosed.

As I've said numerous times in the past, "'trickle down' economics, don't." Just because a fella out in the Village leaves a large refrigerator box outside his house and a homeless individual makes it their shelter, doesn't mean anything has trickled down to the less privileged; it just doesn't work like that!

Leave your interesting or related questions in the comment section below, and as always, "Question Everything."

Cain and the N-word

I don't enjoy using racial epithets of any kind in my writngs, something I pride myself on. But in this nigga's case, I'll make an exception tonight.

Herman Cain, Republican candidate for President and Pizza-Baron is that exception, and falls under the aforementioned category of "nigga." To clairify (so that non-blacks don't go using the word willy-nilly) a "nigga" is a black person who, advertantly or inadvertantly, fucks shit up for other black people. A good example of this is the Beltway Sniper, John Allen Muhammad. This was right after September 11th when he went out and started shooting people when they walked out of restaurants and other such nonsense. It was bad enough that his last name was that of the Islamic prophet during a period of paranoia and fear towards Islam, but this dude just had to be black. He didn't have the common decency or foresight to be another race. So in summary to our example, John Allen Muhammad was a nigga. Now that we've edified those who'd call me a hater of my own people, we'll continue.

Herman Cain is making black republicans look bad. It's not a question of his intent, but the result. His hate-filled rhetoric regarding immigration (not even funny as a joke), his song-and-dance routine regarding his pizza chain, and recently his comment regarding his approach to foreign policy have turned heads in much the same way a flaming bag of dogshit on your doorstep would. Also, what the fuck is a "You-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan?" I understand it was an "example" (if that's what you wish to call it) but you can't name an actual country? Why should I vote for you, Mr. Cain? You didn't even pass Social Studies, fuck Geography!

A note on his "qualifications" to fix the economy: I won't beat the 9-9-9 dead horse, but I will say that being a pizza baron doesn't make you a world-class entrepreneur. Everyone loves pizza, you idiot! It's like saying "I can sell crack to Charlie Sheen!" Which doesn't make you a great drug-dealer...

...Not "Winning"...

...I mean sure you're a productive dealer, but you're not Tony-fucking-Montana. This deluded-ass nigga is not the type of man a sane (however relative the term) individual would want in office. But as they say "Niggas out here is crazy, son." I'd sooner trust my dog in a tie on the campaign trail.

But then he had the audacity to say that President Obama was "not a real black man." Seriously? If by that he meant "not a two-timing, tom-ass nigga" then I'd give it some merit. Honestly, what Cabin did this "Uncle Tom" come from? I half expected him to dump salt on the stage and pull a bojangles when he mentioned the use of an electrified fence on the U.S./ Mexican border while tea partiers dropped coins into his hat.

Now I know what you're saying, "Be nice, Rey, he's a Cancer survivor." Of course he is, dummy! The nigga's too evil to die! I'm starting to think Cancer is a member of the New Orleans Police, never actually snuffing out the real criminals; "Big C," my dick!

Herman Cain's hypocrisy rears it's head at every turn like Michael Myers in Halloween, and we the public are merely Jamie Lee Curtis. In any case, I must thank Cain for finally clarifying to Americans what a "nigga" truly is. So, as I usually say to those of his ilk in parting...

"Nigga, eat a dick."

Oh By The Way, New Blog

After a long period of inactivity, punctuated by moments of self-loathing and doubt, I'm back in the writing game. I could give you a number of reasons, but lets just go with mindless self-importance and the deluded notion that people care about what I have to say. Because I'm awesome, and that's that.

If you've read thus far, you'll notice the shiny new black layout and the tone of the material having a nod towards politics. Unfortunately that was my first of many posts, and I aim to go in one solid direction: Humor.

I'm going back to my roots on this one. Humorist writing, much like plumbing, is my shit without the lame allegory. So allow me to formally introduce you to my new page. You're introduced, you can exchange names and numbers. Maybe take my page out for a lovely evening. But be warned, this page doesn't give it up on the first night; no swing-leg.

Enjoy, and share. In fact just share...

Schoen-Fraud

Douglas Schoen's poll regarding the Occupy Wall Street protesters, published to the Wall Street Journal, is more than just ironic given the publication's namesake, but blatantly biased.

Schoen, an entrepreneur and economic analyst for Fox News as well as political strategist for, most notably, the Clinton administration, set out to gain a better understanding of the people that made up the Occupy Wall Street movement. By "gain a better understanding" I mean finding the basis of truth in the lie he wished to propogate in the intelligence-insulting poll article he released.

The article paints the Occupy Wall Street crowd as a band of unwashed political dissidents or rebels without a cause (or clue). To his credit, Schoen did away with any far-Right cliches such as "socialist" and tried his little heart out to make the article seem fair and balanced.

What we have here is a backhanded compliment to the Democratic party, whose most prominent members Nancy Pelosi and of course, President Obama, have embraced. The compliment being that he cites a historical precedent, recalling the Democrats' alignment with the 1970 anti-war movement. To this writer, it's a lot like saying the Democrats are the only party to have ever aligned themselves with a major public movement.

Perhaps he's never heard of the Tea Party, seeing as how busy he had been supporting Democratic campaigns, no?

Again, to the credit of Schoen, he encourages the Democrats to seek out middle-ground, swing-voters as they are a larger base. But when you have that many guaranteed (and I must re-emphasize "guaranteed") votes, it goes back to the old saying about a bird in the hand being worth "two in the bush." Schoen's clout as a political strategist leaves much to be desired in this poll.