So You're Stuck in A Disaster Area?

With Hurricane Season around the corner, flash floods in the Southeastern U.S. and the Japan Megaquake, it's clear that we all have to prepare and stay prepared for a disaster. Water, food, a change of clothes and a change of underwear when aftershocks strike are only some of the things you'll need in the event of an emergency.

Unfortunately for most of us, especially our readers from the U.S., complacency is rather commonplace and foresight to some is "fo' suckas." But rejoice, you slacking-assed slobs, Rey has the key to your salvation! Here are four protips for staying alive, the Fawkes way.

1. ARM YOURSELF!

You've just left the shelter of wherever it is you cowered like a girl while everything you loved was swept away by the fury of an uncaring Mother Nature; congratulations! You're one of the few either too unmotivated (or cash strapped) to evacuate and your very survival is an affront to natural selection; you da' man! Unfortunately, looking out over the dilapidated horizon, a shadow of its former glory, what should you happen to find but minorities! Or worse, WASP's with a sense of self-entitlement and your ass is starting to look like opportunity!

One must remember that in the event of an emergency, your fellow man will revert to his base instincts and attempt to dominate you, sometimes sexually, in order to maintain his status quo and quality of life, however fragmented it is. To survive in this wasteland until the authorities show up, you'll have to key into your instincts as well. That means being well armed. Because the only way man managed to surmount the odds and control his environment was through brute strength, cunning and violence.

Some with you will advise you to help those in need, those distressed, hurt or hungry. Do NOT listen to them, for they are testing your resolve. If you help someone, your survival party's members will take your kindness for weakness and elect a new leader. Then, you will find yourself deposed by blunt-force proxy to the skull. Still, you must ensure that you are well-armed and ready to do battle with any survivors who wish to take what few stores you have until FEMA shows up.

...whenever that is...

Ensure you have a main weapon in the form of a hunting rifle, assault rifle or for those of you in an urban area, a shotgun in addition an accurate sidearm. The Beretta M9, is a heavy piece of shit, but it gets the job done and can be held by any idiot with opposeable thumbs (special care must be given to keep this out of the hands of chimpanzees as they are particularly trigger-happy.) If you should happen upon others with superior weaponry, avoid them or steal their weaponry; which leads us to the second part.

2. START LOOTING!

Your food stores won't last forever, and sooner or later your comrades will start to look like lunch (especially the fat one.) DO NOT EAT PEOPLE! Eating people will make you worse for wear and destroy your nervous system. You're not quite ready for hunting either, and you're going to suck at catching food. But even though it is only a shallow husk, it's still (mostly) civilization. Scavenging will become as American as apple pie and a favored pastime when disaster rears its ugly, gnarled head.

...as if it weren't American enough as it is...

Empty houses and old abandoned supermarkets will be the first choice for you and your fellow leaders. If you can find one, garrison that bitch up before anyone else gets to it. The first few days of finding and dominating supermarkets and food stores will be like playing capture the flag in hell and tantamount to guerrilla warfare. Do not hesitate to cap some fools in order to maintain your survival. Your reward: sweet sustenance and the hard-earned right to see another day. Small unit tactics will be key in this dark period in your hitherto insignificant life.

Speaking of insignificance...

3. PREY UPON THE WEAK!

Human evolution has been hindered by the fact that no matter how stupid, ugly, fat, out-of-shape and generally weak you are, some tool bag will stroll in and save you from your pathetic self. You will live again to tell the tale and your voice will rise in joy, a voice that so offends the ears of Darwin. Unfortunately, if yohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifu can be lumped into the above category, you may as well stop reading and await the arrival of violent death from a stronger and therefore, better, force. But if you've got the killer instinct and the will to survive there may yet be hope.

In any ecosystem, the strong prey upon the weak. Even in our civilized society, there is always one more powerful who will consume the lesser beings without an afterthought. You may not be the biggest or most powerful, but as long as you avoid the stronger, you can prey upon the weak too! The best time to do this is at night, or in areas that don't provide a lot of cover, especially when its you and your survivor party against one or two. Stealing from the strong also helps if you're the weakest in your neighborhood. In which case, once again, it is best to operate at night. But if you're smart, you'll have some place to store your loot, so make sure you...

4. FIND SHELTER!

The elements are harsh and cruel. You witnessed their cruelty after (insert disaster here) wrecked your super-sweet, double-wide trailer. However, given this fact there's always the local Red Cross Shelter, right?

WRONG! You are so wrong! I want you to take a moment to slap yourself for entertaining such a foolish thought; I'll wait for you...

Now then, those shelters are merely watering holes for the antelope of society, waiting to be run down and savagely mauled by the urban lions that await nearby. When the feces hits the A/C, you'll wish you listened. The best shelters are abandoned homes. Homes that were abandoned in the suburbs typically, as they are large and easy to remain concealed within.

Another option is farm houses, but again no, because haven't you ever seen Deliverance? Your best bet is to take a cue from my favorite children's novel "The Girl Who Owned A City" and convert your old high school into a super-fortress, where you will rule! No more getting towel whipped in gym class for you; you're the Prom King now, dawg!

SUMMARY:

Congratulations! If you've followed this guide to the letter, you're now the most powerful person in your bombed out and depleted husk of a town. When emergency services finally arrive, they will bow to your might and resourcefulness. Do not be surprised if they beg you to return to civilization to share your wisdom and noble savage leadership; most likely at a new-age fitness center.


-FAWKES OUT-